Matrix Revolutions - Oh how sad for me. I really liked the first Matrix movie, and put up with the second. But I didn't expect this load of crap to be dumped on me for the third. I'm a forgiving man, watching all the Alien movies, or the Star Wars descration, and I try to find a little bit of entertainment where I can. And part of me wants to applaud the last acts as a fun war movie using mechs instead of beachheads. There's the rookie kids loading ammo under fire. The grizzled vetran who gives up his life. But all of that is ruined by the baggage of Neo and the rest. I read a spoiler before I saw this movie (and SPOILER... or it willl do the same thing for you that it didn't for me) that Trinity and Neo both die in this movie. I played a fun game and trying to decide how and when they would go. A little too late for my tastes - if they died earlier, I would have been spared the tedium of the train station, or the visit to the mech-world. Sure, I'll buy the movie on DVD just to complete my collection, but I'm sure I won't be watching it often, if ever again. none (out of 5)

Pinocchio - This stinker was released *twice* in theaters to bad reviews. The first time, it had this atrocious dubbing, with the voice of Roberto Benigni done by a teenager. The subtitled version is slightly better. Now, any DVD today could hold both versions, but for some odd reason, you can buy two separate versions like the theatrical fiascos. Or better yet, buy neither. Benigni deserves credit for creating an attempt at an authentic Italian fairy tale, but he's neither funny nor amusing. In fact, this ego vehicle is just plain annoying and disturbing. none (out of 5)

I Still Know What You Did Last Summer - This is a non-movie. It's not scary, it's not funny, and it's not interesting. I didn't even like the Caribbean scenery. Please, please, don't let there be a third movie. none (out of 5)

Beloved - Disturbing and dismal. I've never read Toni Morrison's novel, but it has to be better than this. Maybe the gothic tone and never-ending story works as a book, but it is a failure here. One of the most unenjoyable moves I've ever seen, and definitely undeserving of the free publicity that Oprah gave it on her talk show. Bad acting by "Beloved", ham-fisted directing by Jonathan Demme, and the movie takes a long, long time to go nowhere. I wish I could have missed this one. none (out of 5)

You've Got Mail - As more time passes, I hate this movie more and more. Director Nora Ephron tries to recreate the magic that "Sleepless in Seattle" had and fails. The movie has the same stars (the overly cutesy Meg Ryan and head-bobbing Tom Hanks), and the same yuppy romantic theme. However, the odd touches almost always fail; for example, Tom Hanks has a brother who is thirty years younger than him,  and Jean Stapleton was once in love with Spanish dictator Francisco Franco... but who cares? Those details are mentioned once and then forgotten. Parker Posey and Greg Kinnear are wasted, and the inevitable kiss at the end takes forever to finally take place. I'd recommend the original movie "Shop Around the Corner" instead (starring Jimmy Stewart), but I bet it was limp and useless also. none (out of 5)

Eyes Wide Shut - "Eyes Wide Shit" is more appropriate. I'm glad Stanley Kubrick is dead, because he won't be able to make a movie worse than this one. What a piece of trash. It's slow, tediously acted, and the plot is out of a juvenile 50's pulp novel. The controversial sex scenes aren't sexy or even interesting, they're just unrealistic and bland. The computer characters covering up the sex are a bad idea, but at least they made me try and see what was going on behind their backs. And that was the only part of the movie I paid attention to. The relationship between Kidman and Cruise is ok for the first thirty minutes (she has a scene while high on pot that's well-acted, annoying, and overly long all at the same time), but Kidman disappears 1/4 way through the movie, never to be see again. The scene where Tom cries because she found a mask that he was wearing was laughable, as was the straight-man wet dream sex fantasy of the orgy scenes. This movie is not believable, even as surrealism. It's just a sad, sick, boring, unintentional comedy. none (out of 5)

Breakfast of Champions - Douglas Coupland personally told me not to see this movie. I love mentioning that. It was at a book signing for his latest "Miss Wyoming". I had seen him four years earlier at a book signing for "Life After God". He looked a lot older this time, but then again, so did I. When it was my turn for him to sign my book, I asked him if he could recommend anything else to read. He did: John O'Hara "Appointment in Samarra". I don't know how we got on the subject, but I think we we talking about favorite authors like Kurt Vonnegut Jr. He told me not to see this movie, but to "let my memories live". I wish I would have taken his advice. My memory of this book has been tarnished by this awful movie. Sure, Nick Nolte is kind of fun as a manic transvestite, and Bruce Willis seems confused, but I remember how transcendental this book was when I discovered in the high school library at 12. Page one has a drawing of an asshole, just so Vonnegut could demonstrate the tone of the book before the reader started. That blew my mind, that an adult would write that as the start of a book. As for the story, it's not my favorite. I liked "God Bless You Mr. Rosewater" and "Mother Night" a lot more (and the movie version of Mother Night was ok, too). Luckily, this terrible adaptation can't wipe out completely Vonnegut's brilliant futile humanism. His final line, "it's all life" seems so much more intricate and appropriate than the Gen-X tag line "it's all good". Simply because it isn't all good, as this movie can attest. none (out of 5)

New Rose Hotel - My god, did this movie stink. Not since "Johnny Mnemonic" has somebody butchered cyberpunk so bad. The whole point of the genre is its setting and drive. This movie had no plot to speak of. The gratuitous nudity was stupid, as if it was a "Showtime After Hours" soft-core porn flick. And the electronic "futuristic" gadgets in the movie are ridiculous... bad computer animation green-screened onto static (!) photos. Christopher Walken and Willem Dafoe are fun (when they get to talk), but I wish I hadn't seen the movie. Thank god the DVD rental was free... even then it was too expensive. But I loved the DVD "quiz" where I got to answer the question, "How many hookers did X get for his birthday party?" The answer, thanks to high-tech DVD technology, was "4". none (out of 5)

End of Days - I'm not in the mood to check, but wasn't this the exact same plot as "The Seventh Sign" starring Demi Moore? You know, a woman will give birth to a baby that is the antichrist (or the next christ... I forget which, and there's probably no little difference) and the movie consists of people trying to kill her/ explosions/ demons. This time, Ahnold Svatznegga protects the mother with lots and lots of ammunition (yet he never reloads, strange). Guns can't kill the demons, but it doesn't stop Ahnold from trying. And oh! this movie is funny. I always say that when a movie is unintentionally hilarious, but it really fits the bill here. From the elaborate CGI demon THAT'S INVISIBLE (nice work, guys... I think. I couldn't actually SEE the demon) to Gabriel Byrne's demonic possession rolling around the floor in a restaurant men's bathroom, this movie is funny. And the dialogue is great, with an albino prophetically repeating "he's going to FUCK you", or the heroine's "I have a medical condition that makes me see things", to which Ahnold replies "No, I sah it toooo", every line's a loser. Like this movie. none (out of 5)

The Omega Code - I could hate this movie because it was funded by the religious right as their first attempt at a post-"Sixth Sense" Hollywood blockbuster. However, I'd rather hate this movie because it's really bad. No politics or personal antagonism... it's just a stinker. Michael York is the big "star" of the film, but if that's the biggest name they could get, then the Promise Keepers better keep their next movie to themselves. This one looks worse than grade B - cheesy effects, a long slow plot, and bad acting. Even the film stock looks cheap. I haven't watched Trinity Broadcasting Network TV in a long time, but I'm *sure* it has to look more professional than this. none (out of 5)

Battlefield Earth - I was told that this was a bad movie, but I was unprepared on how truly awful it was. Who is Roger Christian, and after directing the horrible "Masterminds", why is he still alive? I'm convinced he must be a powerful Scientologist, because he's not a director or talent alone. It's like he had his eyes closed... there's terrible tilted camera angles, amateurish "wipe" fades, and when there's any action (if you cal call it that), he starts slowing down the pace and obscures any establishing shots. Man, the writing is dreck. I can't believe L. Ron Hubbard ever made a cent. I was worried that this movie would be filled with Scientologist propaganda (like the religion's belief that human beings are just reincarnated clams. That's right, clams), but after watching this "movie", I think that the cult's days are numbered. Newly converted Christians have to sit through "The Greatest Story Ever Told", but at least the crucifixion holds some interest. This movie will turn off *anybody* that's interested becoming a Scientologist. After "Battlefield Earth", I can't take the religion seriously as a threat at all. They are just sad. none (out of 5)

The Apostle - Oh my god (literally)... who decided that this movie was worth any kind of accolades? Perhaps the religious right-wingers are as desperate to see their way of life validated and their art praised as much as us gay folks are. This is Robert Duvall's baby, and like "Pollock", it proves that maybe actors shouldn't be able to write and direct. It's a vanity project in more ways than one, because why else would Duvall be vain enough to think that anybody else would sit through this crap? The plot is hackneyed, and the attempts at trying to be politically correct are silly (it *is* a Baptist church after all). I was hoping to see some conflict between the dual roles of conman and preacher, (is there really much of a difference?) but there was not plot. There was no conflict. Duvall just talks talks and preaches (which is kind of like talking) while the movie slowly spins nowhere. I've read that you have to be a Christian to enjoy this movie. Perhaps it takes faith to turn a blind eye to the fact that this movie sucks. none (out of 5)

Michael Jordan: To the Max - I think Jordan was mad that he wasn't talented enough to have an "E! True Hollywood Story" made about him, so he had to do it himself. It's about 50 minutes, just about the time for a cable tell-all, but there's no "there there" to tell all, or anything. I'm sure there's interesting tidbits about the guy's life - didn't his dad disappear or something? - but this featurette skips over them for bizarre talking heads rhapsodizing over the tall black man. Oh yeah, static camera shots looks really good on IMAX. It's completely pointless at home on a standard TV... the sports are washed out and tiny, and there's no good action shots. The "plot" leads up to the Bulls winning the NBA title, like the mighty Ducks fighting against all odds to win the little league championship. is it a surprise? It's the SECOND TIME of three for the Bulls. Who cares? Jordan is good at putting a rubber ball into a hoop. It seems like this "movie" was designed to prove that genetically tall mutants look even taller when placed on the IMAX screen. none (out of 5)

Vanilla Sky - I’d give a spoiler alert here, but that would assume that this movie has a plot to spoil. So here it is: Tom Cruise is dead, and everything is just a dream. That’s right, just like Patrick Duffy in the shower, I felt stupid that I cared about the plot or any of the characters, because none of it was real. Actually, I had it figured out pretty early on, and I was playing a game trying to decide where the movie went off-key, However, the writing is awful (or is it the acting?) so I was guessing that the initial scenes were fake where Penelope Cruz was saying stupid lines like "she’s the saddest girl to ever hold a martini"... a non-joke repeated THREE TIMES in the movie for no effect. It turns out that the ridiculous car crash and Cameron Diaz’s over-the-top non-acting were actually supposed to be taken seriously. Like the no-star Battleship Earth last year, this movie is a big sink-hole for Scientology money, and they’re trying to promote some kind of pseudo-science message in the subtext: psychologists are bad, reality is whatever you make of it, etc. The stupid pop-culture references (like the Bob Dylan album cover giveaway) and the "surprise" ending suck any amount of tension or interest out of the movie. I’d rather that the existence of the William Hurt psychologist was left ambiguous, like the fun way the movie Total Recall played with levels of reality. But there’s no such subtlety here, as the director pantomimes the plot in broad gestures for the thinking-impaired. I guess Cameron Crowe can’t really direct psychological thrillers, though after making this movie after "Almost Famous", I’m worried that he’s not a very good director, either. none (out of 5)

S.F.W. - I've seen bad movies before. I've watched DVDs where I have more fun pushing the menu button and watching the clock tick down the number of minutes remaining than enjoyment at watching the film. However, I don't recall every feeling and pained by the passage of time as I did when watching this dreck. I want to hunt down and kill every person involved in the making of this monstrosity. Normally, I like Stephen Dorff and Reese Witherspoon, but they will be the first up against the wall when I get my bloody vengeance at the one-and-a-half hours I wasted watching this. It is forever burned into my eyeballs, and my only hope is that maybe years from now I can watch it again with an amused cynical detachment, waiting for such awful scenes as Dorff "concert" appearances, or the inane and unfinished plot characters of "S.P.L.I.T. I.M.A.G.E." who are unexplained terrorists that cause the plot to fart along merrily. Throw in long dull speeches, moronic jokes, and a complete and condescending misunderstanding of slacker "culture" in the nineties, and you'll still have trouble imagining how a movie can go so very very wrong as this. none (out of 5)

Bats - Horror movies don't get much worse than this. You know you're in trouble when the only "name" on the marquee is Lou Diamond Phillips. And what a monumental "In the Actor's Studio" heap of work Phillips brings to this movie. Everything is awful: the acting is awful, the dialogue is awful, there are more plot holes than in an abandoned graveyard. Why does the movie warn that the bats will spread all over the U.S. in six months, only to reverse itself and say that the bats are gathering at the town? Why does the huge abandoned mine only have one entrance and no ventilation shafts, but somehow things can be lowered into the mine itself? There's plenty of other flaws if you give one ounce of credibility to the story. It's a familiar monster tale, with some animal that's gone berserk and wants to kill people. See "The Swarm". See 'The Birds". See any number of 50's ant, mouse, or other vermin movies. The bats themselves look like undercrafted rubber molds. There's the stock characters: the evil scientist that caused the whole thing and must be eaten by his creation before the movie's end, the "funny black man" who hates bats but is great with computers, and the hot blond scientist chick. Oh god, it's terrible. none (out of 5)

Glitter - Oh my god this movie it bad. But in this case, it's so bad it revolves around and becomes good again. I could see a roomful of college students doing a "Mystery Science Theater 3000" on it's ass. It wouldn't be hard to do. The movie is full of horrible dialogue, meaningless plot "twists" and hours and hours of fawning tribute to it's "star" Mariah Carey. Here's the story, what little of it there is: star is put up for adoption by crack head mother, star feels rejected, star sings (sings! sings!) star is "discovered" by slacker boyfriend, star becomes star, star becomes even bigger star, star becomes the biggest star ever possible in this or any other universe, star's slacker boyfriend dies, star feels rejected. star sings (sings! sings!). It's funny to note that when the movie want to have a rock tune underscore the action, they NEVER use Hairy Carey's songs. Instead, the two or three "tunes" here are maudlin throwaway pop, like the kind washed-up ex-somebodies sing (are you out there Cyndi Lauper? Why don't *you* make a movie... at least that one would be fun). But when Scarey Carey goes into one of her patented diva whoops that make dog's ears bleed, the movie is truly unintentionally hilarious. none (out of 5)

Master of Disguise - I have a lot of friends who tell me that they never read reviews. I avoid them, too, but mostly because I don't like spoilers. And too many reviews simply rehash the plot. Instead, my friends don't like reviews because they disagree with the critic too many times. I don't understand this... if a dozen people say that this movie sucks, shouldn't it be a big warning? It didn't prevent me from renting this movie, or looking forward to watching it, but as the film wore on (and I do mean "wore"), and I could see what they meant. This movie is really bad. Bad editing, bad ideas, and a complete absence of humor. Sure, Dana Carvey is a talented mimic in a Rich Little sort of way, but trying to stretch some weary bits together with a stupid plot creates a movie that's one of the worst of the year. Congratulations! none (out of 5)